SGT805-4

Editorial Room for the Spring 805 Edition

Quotable Quotes

• Thaeuss to Guild Security (while holding a gagged, blindfolded, hog-tied and manacled puppet): "I need zomething to store ze spirit of an ancient evil... and I need it quickly!"
• Father Broc to ghostly monk: "Do you remember a time long before you were born?"
• "Standing next to Engalton is the worst thing I ever did!" - Keesha
• "The only ligitimate use of the Calimar is for disposal of uncontrolled Balrogs and gods ... that doesn't include me." - Engalton
• "Please tell the lady Isil Eth that Serendipity, the Burgrave of Burgalfen, is here on business." - Seren (to a palace flunky)
  "Namedropper." - Tussock (to no one in particular)
• "A sort of an a'la cart driver" - Dirk
• Sam - "What's a sexist?"
  Dirk - "A philanthropist but with sex."
• "It's a giant conspiracy theory" - Falco after Grizelda's paranoid suggestions.
• "Air mages are good at being subtle" - Sam.
• "And no leaf jokes" - Dirk.
  "As if I wood ..... oops" - Aurora.
• Falco about Sam. "Not only is he deaf and dumb, he caught mime."
• Alchemist - "Most people have heard of Mortimer"
  Sam - "Most of the Baronies have heard his explosions."
• "Gosh you're big" Penni to Thaeuss
• My wife isn't known as Fynn DragonRider for nothing - Axis Dragonmage
• Logan: "I've backfired 5 times today, I think that proves something!"
  Thaeuss: "That humans are not meant to use magic."

What's Hot, What's Not

Hot

• Going to the Circus.
• Erotic dances from Ithilmor.
• Anyone worth more than 0.9 of an E
• The Assault on Carlson's Pass

Not

• Motley Spellcasting
• Erotic dances from Bart
• Undead Dragons

Recent Adventures / News in Brief

Where the wind blows (synopsis)

A brief venture outside of Seagate looking into Dark Circle related activities

A Michaeline knight turned up at the guild with a strange history (for a Michaeline Knight) and we were commissioned to find out what happened to him before a bunch of church knights. We left the guild by flight and visited the locale he was last in and found a huge number of deaths there as well as some unexpected allies.

The allies were being killed so they asked us to help find the killer. We applied our skills and found him but he escaped through nefarious means but we followed. He led us to an ancient place of evil where we confronted the ancient evil from before the war of tears and our Binder came away with the evil, unsurprisingly!

(It turned out the evil had been imprisoned beneath the forests north of Brastor until Rashaks minions dug it up, a bunch of Michaelines stumbled across it and caused a psuedopod of the evil to start its killing spree. )

We then took the evil beings to the guild which we found strangely empty of all guild members but full of more Guild Security than I though we had who were stuffing their faces with the best of the guilds food! They were unhelpful as usual when we stated that we had an ancient evil with us and we wanted a suitable containment device.

We then moved quickly from the guild to D'Arbres via the aid of a friendly lady and there we met an old dragon who said he could help us destroy the evil if we protect him from Rashak's minions. We agreed and fought off the minions with the loss of one of our own. In the end the evil was destroyed, the cause of good advanced and we returned to Carzala for a pint.

The End

Columns and Articles

Sabrina

Sabrina has returned to active adventuring at the guild. Lady Sabrina one of the guilds more extreme members has reportly spent the last three years in eastern Aladar. Welcome back Sabrina.

Book of Records

After breaking his previous record of 1 1/2 miles, Braegon lays claim to a new distance record for the spell of Tunnelling - 14 Miles in 7 Hours. "I could have gone further, but we needed to go straight down and the switchbacks slowed things down." stated Braegon during a brief break from therapy for his Restorative addiction.

Letters to the Editors

SGT Editors Pawns of Rashak!

It has long been believed that Rashak has pawns and spies in the guild. Could it be that they are hiding in plain sight, could it be that the editors of the SGT are in league with Rashak?

Rashak launched an assault on the guild last season that was completely foiled by a group of guild members. Several concerning events were explained by their debriefing. An explanation was submitted to the SGT and then not printed. Why did Rashak want this news supressed? What was so important about it? I include it here so you can make you own judgement.

Fire in the Sky

Those looking south from the Brastor region on the night of Duesday 8th Fruit who saw fire in the southern skies were not observing Dragons battling, but the birth of a new volcano at the northern end of the Filgiso forest.

After its initial spectacular birth, the volcano quickly settled to a dull glow but not before burning the surrounding area of the Filgiso.

The new mountain has been named Mt Aliliel in honour of the Fire Spirit that stood guard over the Shape of Fire these past millenia.

The Sky was Falling

Astrologers who rely on the night skies were found to have many inaccuracies in their readings for the Autumn season. Several even included references to the sky falling.

It has since been confirmed that part of the sky was falling, but it is fixed now. Except for 3 stars which seem a little diminished by their excursion towards Seagate, Newhaven, and the Lunar Empire.

Skinless Dragon Sighted

Concern over sightings of a flayed and presumably undead dragon in early Autumn have been allayed. Engalton and companions have put the dragon to a permanent death.

If the SGT editorial staff suppress this news again then we know they are servants of Rashak. But if they print it unaltered are they demonstrating their innocence or protecting their cover?

Classifieds (Selling Services and Stuff)

Curse Removal

Get your serious curses removed. Up to MA 42 Curses removed! Those on Good terms with Sier get a 25% Discount!!

See Dramus at the Guild.

Father Rowan's Holy Water

Get your Holy Water here. Free to a good home, provided you can prove you're good. Send your prayers to=> velcanthus@vodafone.net.nz Note: Purity testing for necromancers is Ordeal by Hellfire

Saydar's Bone Armour

Armour as strong as iron, as light as bone and you can cast while wearing it!

Any armour up to 10 point plate available.

Special offer this guild meeting only. Get it while you can! Raising money for an assault on Rashak.

See Saydar at the Guild Meeting.

Sier ITN

Guild Namers wishing to learn Sier's ITN please contact Engalton.

Books, Tomes & Scrolls

All these wanted for addition to library. Almost any subject considered. Good prices paid. If on adventure then pick some up and bring em back for my collection. Apply to Father Broc at the guild

Ode to Akuji

"Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are feared?
Just like me, they long to be
In Close with you."
-anon

Other random stuff

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Below are submissions made about a year ago that has yet to appear(someone should check). What is the publication policy?

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• For Sale

Lucky hobbit feet. 10sp per pair. See Dunlan

• For Sale: Helping Humans Business

'Helping Humans' is a reputable human walking, training and sitting business, with a well established client list. No debts and minimal overheads. Based in Rank and working a 10 mile radius of Rank. This family run business is for sale by the owner. Please contact Jaqui Mason at 'Helping Humans'

• Cooking – Pixie Bread

Stomp, the culinary master at the bustling establishments, the Fight n' Fuk, has offered to share with us the cooking secrets. This issue Stomp is sharing with us one of his personal favorites: 'Pixie Bread'.

Ingredients
Bag of Fresh Pixies Bread

Instructions
Lay out Pixies in-front of the fire-pit overnight to dry. Remember to remove the wings, unless you prefer crunchy bread. Soak Pixies the following day in ale to soften. Pour off and drink ale. By now the pixie should be soft enough to spread liberally over bread with your eating knife.

NEXT ISSUE: How to get the most out of your elf.

• Scribe Tax.

Halden Barthrone, member of the guild library, is becoming exasperated at the absence of scribe notes being submitted following adventures. 'They are bound by the guild contract to complete the notes, and we offer a healing potion as a reward - surely that is enough?' Halden tell us. Consequently she is currently in negotiation with the guild council to impose a quarterly tax of 100sp per session per set of outstanding scribe notes in addition to naming and shaming them in the Seagate Times.

The council are negotiating this issue and are seeking input from the guild members.

• Morgan (the Orc) Tops Rat Eating League.

Guild member Morgan has recently clinched this seasons crown for live rat eating. In the recent competitions held at the Orc establishment the "Skull Tavern", Morgan managed to consume 22 1/2 rats within one minute.

Morgan told us "bad breath is the secret, you breathe on them and they stop wriggling - much easier to stuff them in.". Our reporter assured us that Morgans breath, attributed to rotten horse flesh, has the power to stun rats, having passed out three times while talking to her.

• STRAP DOWN YOUR HOBBITS WITH: HOBBIT STRAITJACKETS

Frazzled party leaders have discovered a new way to keep their troublesome hobbits from driving them nuts -- by putting them in straitjackets!

An exasperated party leader of Tussock has invented the miniature restraints to help subdue her rowdy hobbit.

"Tussock was into everything and she just wouldn't mind me," She recalls. "One night, after a particularly bad day, I told my party that I'd had it. I said, 'The only way that hobbit going to keep his hands to herself is with a straitjacket.' Then I thought, 'Why not?' "

Her hobbit party member was initially none too pleased to have her arms bound and her movements restricted, but she soon got used to the new garment.

"She cried a lot at first and put up quite a fuss," she says, "but I think now she really enjoys it. She rolls around on the floor, trying to get up without her arms for support. She makes a game out of it."

She also found other party leaders initially skeptical about her unorthodox method of restraining her hobbit, especially when she took Tussock out in public.

"We got a lot of stares at first when I'd take Tussock in her straitjacket to the Guild," she admits. "But soon Party Leaders who also had problems with their hobbits began to approach me and ask about getting straitjackets for their problem part members."

Before they knew it, she was in business. She now manufactures and distributes her own line of hobbit straitjackets throughout Carzala.

The majority of customers couldn't be happier with the results of her stylish straitjackets, which come in a variety of eye-catching colors and sizes.

Other party leaders sing the praises of the product. "Now Pent doesn't grab everything in sight."

But not everyone approves of putting hobbits in straitjackets. Senior guild member Bozo says, "This can't be healthy for any hobbit, being restrained in this manner. It sends a terrible message to parties."

Despite the criticism, the sale of the jackets will continue "As long as there are unruly hobbits there will be party leaders like me who will need to restrain them."

• Letters

Dear Seagate Adventurers Guild,

Your contact information was referred to me by one of my trusted contacts, whose name I am not at liberty to compromise. I would like to approach you with regards to a profitable Business Proposal, regarding the transfer of TEN MILLION SILVERS into your guild vaults. For reasons I am sure you will appreciate, I ask that you keep this commutation confidential, and avoid it falling into the hands of any agents of the Church that may be operating in your area.

My name is Groc, and I am the representative of War-master Bone Breaker, the recently assassinated leader of the Sea of Grass Widows Support Group. If you have been following the events over the last few years, you will remember the big scandal that took place when Bone Breaker, was brutally stabbed following his visit to the Widows home.

You see, my client had a lot of enemies who envied his great secret fortune. It was they who removed him in the hope to gain access to the money accumulated over his long career as a Widow Supporter. Fortunately, there was too much scandal in the aftermath of Bone Breaker's murder for them to move openly to claim his money. This gave me and a few trusted people who were still loyal to my former master, an opportunity to move the money into a secret dwarven mine.

While we managed to do this without the vicious and corrupt Church Knights becoming aware of our activities, the money cannot remain in this mine, because at the end of the year, all mines will be investigated by Drarven Taxation Bureau, where our enemies have informants in their pay. The only option available to us is transferring the money to a trusted partner who is a foreigner and cannot be linked to Bone Breaker in any way.

The name of your organisation was brought to my attention by a very trusted contact in Seagate, I have been authorized by my partners to contact you with this Proposal. All that would be required of you is the use of your bank account to perform a transfer of TEN MILLION SILVERS. Once the money has been deposited, one of Bone Breakers other Representatives will contact you, at which point you will release SEVEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND SILVERS of the amount into his custody.

I am authorized by my Client's estate in the Sea of Grass to offer you the remaining TWO MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND SILVERS as a compensation for your services. Because the money would only need to be in your vaults for a few days, and your danger of being discovered by Church Knights is minimal, we believe the commission of TWENTY FIVE PERCENT (25 %) to be more than generous.

Once I have received Your consent and vault keys, I will be able to make a claim under your name with the money will be moved to Your vault no later than within SEVEN (7) days from the time I receive your response.

I am at your disposal to answer any questions you may have about this Transaction, so don't hesitate to contact me at the docks, just ask for Groc. I eagerly await your reply, though I must ask you to treat this matter with great secrecy, lest you betray me and my partners to the agents of the Church.

Respectfully Yours,

Groc

• Quiz

Are you really a necromancer?

You get 1 point for each true answer
1. Can you name every cemetery in the city.
2. You believe vampires are misunderstood.
3. The smell of Orcs no longer bothers you.
4. You know grave diggers on a first name basis.
5. You have abused or taunted the church knights.
6. You enjoy long walks during the night.
7. You enjoy the company of quiet, lumbering friend.
8. You try to convince people The Dark Circle is not such a bad place.
9. You believe raising the dead isnt evil.
10. Ghouls have right too!

How did you do?

0: Your a hobbit arent you.
1-3 Your an orc
4-6: Your a confused Dark celestial or an inexperienced necromancer. Try spending more time is cemeteries.
7-9: Congratulations you are a necromancer. Prince Orion would be proud of you.
10: Your the perfect necromancer – please report to the Duke for your prize!
11+: This is an impossible score. But duplicity is an admirable trait in Necromancers.