SGT806-4

Other Editions

Editorial Room for the Spring 806 Edition

Quotable Quotes

• "Unfortunately I don't wear clothes". -- Cher
• Dramus: "I think we should just use natural charm.", Cher: "We're all dead!"
• Skye: "You're just trying to confuse me!", Mortimer: "I'm not trying very hard".
• "I didn't think that being party leader meant that I'd have to think". -- Jade
• Starflower to Lizette when Lizette wanted to take on the Sword World Confederation after they had defeated two Guild Teams - "You're bananas .. no you're a coconut .. correction you're the most ridiculous fruit that the Gods had dared place upon Alusia"
• Starflower after seeing the team from the Tac Adventurer's Guild during the Grand Parade. They had a mist above their team which rained down gold coins. "That is so Tac-ky"
• Eric to Boulder: "You can't stop Lizette from doing something stupid. It's her natural born right"
• Hamish the Wicaan to Dirk."I'm jumping out the window now"... [after jumping] "Which floor are we on again?"
• Dramus: "What's the moral compass on lying to an Imp?", Jade: "What's the moral compass on lying?", Tabitha: "What's a moral compass?"

Insidious Rumours

We have heard that during the Lunar winter games, a certain Guild Member indulged in cannibalism.

Give us a Name if you want to be printed! Evidence optional. -- Ed.

Who Thorn, and there were witness, who did notthing to stop her!! Why not?? However the word "Brains" is probably not a good thing to say to Mordrins Luna games team.

Important Safety Warming

The Air Mages are going on adventure, all together. All guild members are advised to stay safely in doors until the party has left the guild. The guild recomends all adventuring parties leaving the guild to delay their departure until the 2nd. Off plane adventures are expected to be popular next session. The guild takes no responsibility for unexpected weather events but is advising people to prepare for the worst.

Rumour has it that Braegon is taking bribes to transport them off plane.

Aurora, an air mage, and also on the SGT staff, would like to point out she's staying behind. So .. don't blame her for any weather events. She is also taking a course in making tea.

What's Hot, What's Not

Hot

• Faerie Dust
• Elven Chicks
• Virgins
• Body slaves
• Air Matt!

Not

• Planar wide Lycanthropy
• Crossdressing Imps
• Extortion
• Saurime Body Slaves

Recent Adventures / News in Brief

Winter Games alleged underhanded goings on.

The Adventurers Guild would like it known that it did not participate in under handed goings on at the Winter Games. Neither did it sponsor a party to perform deeds of this sort. It is most definitely not responsible for any of the following Items of Public Interest or Notice . Our Legal section will be investigating closely any rumours to the contrary.

Ranke goes it alone

Ranke has revoked its agreement in principle to join the Western Kingdom. It has sent Ambassador Alphonse de Riteau to the Marquessa's Royal Court with a strongly worded protest about the occupation of Southern Ranke by Mordeaux forces. The victorious church-led force from Mordeaux and the rest of the Western Kingdom drove out the Dark Circle Salient from Southern Ranke last summer, and stayed on through autumn to guard against a return. Now it appears that the senior knights have been gifted land by their commander during winter, and masons and architects are being shipped in. Some entire households and chapter houses are rumoured to be moving south lock, stock, and barrel. Ranke is in no state to throw their neighbour out, being deeply in debt, and with their central fighting men having been decimated by the Dark Circle before being rescued by Mordeaux. The northern city of Ilsig has taken the opportunity to revolt again, meaning that the local barons can't divert any effort to help Southgate. Rumours have it that the Prince of Sanctuary has been asked for help by his estranged brother, the Duke of Ranke.

Western Marches at war again

During a particularly harsh winter, the Kipchak and Cuman tribes, armed with modern weaponry and De Bourgnac tactical advisors, have seized most of the warmer and arable land around Leodara. The Duke of Volar is planning a spring counter-offensive, and is calling upon links to his distant kin the Hertzog of Aquila for assistance.

Mordeaux is our new neighbour

If a church knight asks to borrow a cup of sugar, don't worry - they've just moved in next door. Mordeaux is busy resettling Southern Ranke, now known as Venaissin. Many parts of Southern Ranke have not have organised or cohesive leadership for several generations, and are full of bandits, warlords, and wilderness. Many of the original settlers of Carzala travelled south from Ranke during and after the famines of 713-715WK, which also led to the chaos and isolation of the region. The Enchanted Woods and the lack of villagers to tame the wilds will probably keep the Urielites under Sister Grace busy for a generation or two. In the meantime, I'm sure that the Church knights won't mind us popping ‘home' and borrowing a cup of sugar or two in return.

Artzdorf caught in Religious Crisis

Artzdorf, famed for its horses, beer, and three-year winters, has found religion. More accurately, it has rediscovered two rival religious that fell sideways out of time. The Way of the Three Threes is a revivalist, all-singing, tub-thumping religion, and all its priests are E&Es or Sorcerors, who use mass charm and bind will to gain converts. The other religion, the Trinity, is a wacky militant feminist organisation full of subversive ideas and secret cults. Both claim to follow the correct interpretation of nine elements: Life, Death, Heat, Cold, Light, Dark, Earth, Air and Water. Most of Artzdorf has caught the fervour, and plans are afoot for exporting these new/old gods across Alusia.

Brastor Restoration Progresses

The brave men and women who are leading the Brastor resettlement have been ploughing fields, clearing roads, and building houses. They have survived their first winter, most of them living in buildings haunted by the screams of those who died in them.

The rebuilding of Brastor is going well reports tell us. It all sounds very heroic but what's really going on down there?

Braegon has been acclaimed for his recent work restoring Emit's Ford, and re-opening the pass he presumptiously named after himself. But witnesses report that both of these were destroyed by none other than Braegon himself. Our reliable sources tell us that his work is a last ditch attempt to stave off the criminal charges that have been levelled at him.

And as for his work in Tobintown, the layout of the square and inn he claims to be building are remarkably similar to the slave markets and the famous brothel 'Legs Up and Laughing' of Adjepbar! You can be assured that we will be investigating this building closely once it is completed.

Guild News

New cowardice trainer sought for E&E college

The compulsory cowardice course taught as an introduction to the E&E college is temporarily unavailable. The previous head of the course, Mr. Wipplestein, felt the continued presence of the dark circle was just too much. He fled last week, and we have been unable to locate him in anywhere in Cazarla. A new college professor is sought to cover the essentials of cowardice, and cowrdly behaviour. All applicants should apply directly to the dean of the E&E college.

Columns and Articles

• Interview with a Gok

Nikola's Guide to Surviving the Lunar Empire with your Virtue Intact

- How to say NO!

Travel to the lunar Empire is a Startling and Overwhelming experience that leaves you wondering how to conduct yourself in a Ladylike Manner whilst retaining your virtue and your dignity. There will be many unexpected advances upon your person and learning to decline them gracefully can be something of a challenge. Some, like Lisette, opt for learning courtesan skills in Self Defence. She claims that she is still a Virtuous Lady as she has only passed the written but not the oral part of the courtier exams. Others, like Mebh, have Big Weapon and deal Quite Aggressively with unwanted advances. Or course Mebh, as we all know, has quite prickly final defences in her chastity belt and although a lady wouldn't dream of listening to scarious gossip, rumour has it that no one has been brave enough to attempt to Storm Her Citadel. I find that it helps to stand next to Sabrina or Starflower. Their outfits seem to be missing Quite Significant amounts of cloth which will focus attention Quite Nicely away from you. Standing beside Drum, Human or Tehe also works as they look big, tough and mean. Sometimes you just need to state, “I'm with them" to make would be rakes exit the room in An Alarmingly Rapid manner.

Another tactic is to wear your armour and look like to body guard. Most Distressingly you have to join the Companions Guild, *temporarily of course, most of whose female members are females performing Quite Different services. Which can lead to confusion and having to resort to Quite Mebhlike techniques to get your message across.

My advise is to avoid being alone with anyone, including Aryan. It might be necessary to practise some handy phrases, for the shocking event of unexpectedly find yourself alone with a gentleman. Such as “I cannot acquiesce to your proposition at this time." “Would you like a cup of tea, your honour?" “May I introduce you to my friend Matt Tumbledown the titan." “Are you sure you haven't met Starflower yet?" “Do that again and I kill you!" - Mebh “Is this a proposal of marriage?" “Meet my Earth elemental chaperone" “My Aryan, was that your wife I saw checking out that book on hellfire."

Or if All Else fails, a silver piece firmly clasped between the ankles should do the trick. Mordren, who is experienced in these matters, advises that the silver penny trick works better when clasped between the knees.

• When you enter the Lunar Empire you have to join a guild temporarily. If you join a guild permanently you may not leave the Lunar Empire. If you join one of the high guilds you have to travel with an entourage of body guards. Your guild is somewhat responsible for your behaviour and your actions can harm your guild. Please be careful with that as other adventuring parties would also like to come through the Lunar Empire after you. Offending people in Lunar can be very expensive!

Tactics of the Games

A detailed military analysis by Aryan of the tactics required for winning the Lunar Games

Qualifying Don't get matched with one of the really popular teams, then beat up your opponents. Win quickly to minimise injuries to your side.

The Parade Walk, smile, then walk some more. Best to arrange your group so that you position someone with nice hips and a good sway in front of you.

Running of the Tigers The tigers are just big cats, they're easy and everyone is hunting them. Much better to find the least popular team and then publicly beat them up.

Gladiatorial Arena Slap on the oil, smile to the crowd, salute the emperor, and win but not too well or fast. If blood is demanded, a good disarm stretches things out much longer than an evisceration. Don't mess with the troll, and don't beat the crowd favourites!

Fantastical Games Loot to survive! This round is why you carried the philosopher through all those earlier rounds, the challenges are full of riddles and the cost of getting them wrong will break your will. The things you need to defeat the horrors and the senators are collectable on the tasks leading up to them. Provided that you choose the right paths. Or take this moment to realise what you've got yourself into, gather what you can from the least insane tasks and let some other nutter take out the horrors and the Seantors.

Senators of Decay This is why they have the gladiatorial rounds in the build up, to make sure you can survive without magic because the Senators will strip all of your spells from you. The Senators have auras of ill luck, only the pure have a chance of being able to act normally. They teleport, they smell, they kill on contact, but they are slayable. Stand clear when they die and return to stone unless you want to be their next minion.

Tip of the day: When stirring a hornets nest of Aim cultists, take a method of getting out again before things heat up too much.

---

Bestiary

Kraken of Horrors

Like a Kraken, only bigger and more horrific!

Letters

Dear Editors,

You slanderous, lying, mud-raking hacks! If you think you can sweep back into town and dole out more of your inflamatory drivel then you've got another thing coming! We warned you last time, this time no warnings! We'll be hunting you down, we'll tear you limb from limb, we'll spread your ashes over four different planes to be sure you stay dead!

Love, Phaeton & Anathea.

---

Dear Editors,

I have been lost since you abandoned us, I no longer know how to please the men I love. Please advise me again, touch me with your wisdom, show me the way back to the house of carnal pleasure.

- Vapour

---

Dear Editors,

I am a certified pure virgin, but since the lunar games I think I may be pregnant. How could this be? What shall I do?

Awaiting you sage advice,
- Pretty in Paint.

Humour

Dwarf Jokes

"What's up? Not you!"

"Damn, I appear to have run out of throwing daggers, someone pass me that dwarf."

"I don't quite see the point of ale. Isn't it just wine from stuff that could've been planted for grapes."

"Even the smallest sapling can reduce rock to gravel, what's so special about you?"

"You know they say that people who carry around big weapons are compensating for something..."

Said casually while commenting on some brother v. brother or daughter vs. father feud, intra-tribal war, etc. "Yes, it is truly sad. Family conflicts are always the most bitter. That's why our dwarven friend here hates goblins so much..."

After a battle in which the dwarf has performed particularly well: "Yes, centuries from now, I'll be able to bring your grandchildren to this spot, and tell them of your triumph here today. 'Kids,' I'll say, 'Do you see how all of these skeletons have broken kneecaps. You grandpa did that."

How many Dwarfs does it take to kill a dragon: Dwarfs can't kill a dragon, they need a hobbit to do it for them.

"When you get really excited do you get taller?"

"How do dwarves greet each other? - Small world, isn't it?"

"An Elf, a Gnome and a Dwarf are standing side-by-side at the urinal. The elf finishes and proceeds to wash his hands. He is scrubbing and washing his hands clear up to his elbows. He turns to the other two and comments, "Our Elders have taught us Elves to be clean".

The Gnome finishes his business and he quickly wets the tips of his fingers and comments, "Our Gnome Elders have taught us Gnomes to be conservative of natures resources"

The Dwarf finishes his business and heads straight for the door, He turns and comments, "Our Elders have taught us Dwarves how not to piss on our hands."

"An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf walk into the tavern and each orders a Beer. When the three Beers arrive a fly lands in each one.

The Elf pushes the Beer away distainfully, wanting nothing to do with it. The Human flicks out the fly and finishes the Beer in one gulp. The Dwarf gingerly picks out the fly by its wings, gently holds it over his glass and screams "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!!"

"An elf, a human and a dwarf were enjoying a nice meal when a fight breaks out in the common room of a tavern.

The human immediately stood up and said. "Come friends, let's join this fight and toss them out." The elf placed a hand on the human's arm and said, "We shouldn't fight unless we have to. Leave them alone." The dwarf just sat and watched the fight go on.

Tables were overturned, chairs were thrown and the fight just kept on going until all of a sudden, the dwarf growls and launches himself into the fray. In a matter of seconds he's beat up and thrown out all the combatants and has sat back at his chair.

His two companions sit rather stunned and look at him. Finally the human asks, "What came over you?"

Just then a serving wench arrives with the Dwarf's tankard of Ale and says, "Thanks, I thought I'd never get your drinks here because of that fight."

An Elf walks into a pub and clears his voice to the crowd of dwarven drinkers. He says, "I hear you dwarves are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 gold to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of extra stout back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the elf's offer. One dwarf even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same dwarf who left shows back up and taps the elf on the back. "Is your bet still good?" asks the dwarf.

The elf says yes and asks the pub keep to line up 10 pints of extra stout. Immediately the dwarf tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the elf sits in amazement. The elf gives the dwarf the 500 gold and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The dwarf replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Special Notices

SGT Retraction - Eastmarch Knights

Some of the statements published in the previous SGT regarding the creation of the Knight Defenders of Eastmarch, and the building of a Fort in Braster were incorrect. The editors regret any inconvenience caused, but wish to remind readers that information in the Times is made available without warranty. Disappointed Knights may wish to take matters up with his Grace's clerks.

-- The Editors.

Campaign Notice- County Brastor

[Small item to be boxed on back page like the contact info, as this is also out of character info]

Last issues's story stating that the area of Brastor was being elevated to a County was based on population figures for Carzala and Brastor that where subsequently significantly reduced following GM discussion and agreement. Because of this population reduction there is no intention to continue with the creation of County Brastor at this time. Any questions about this may be emailed to campaign [at] dragonquest [dot] org [dot] nz