SGT809-1

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Editorial Room for the Summer 809 Edition

Quotable Quotes

Axis: I once had an axe that always returned, but I lent it to a friend & it never came back.

Axis: So the leaders in this Drow civil war are KIN & SLAY. Are we sure some dragon somewhere isn't sniggering over that?

Mortimer (in shock): ... this means Stable is a Demonic entity.
Motley (reassuringly): That's OK, you don't have to worship him.

Mortimer (to Sir Kit. in surprise): Actually you may be right.
Chesca (Kit's wife): Don't tell him that!

Sir Kit: How are you going to increase the Drow Population?
Motley: What? Personally?

Insidious Rumours

Alfheim Expects?

Due to the apparent success of the revived Rites of Spring, Alfheim may be anticipating an unprecedented baby-boom in the coming year. Adventures are advised in future months to regard any request for medical aid or unusual foodstuffs from Elves as seriously as possible, and visitors to refrain from refering to Alfheim as a "nanny state".

Columns and Articles

Ranke Invades Ormond

After much sabre rattling by both sides, Duchess Meredithis of Ranke appears to be invading her own protectorate and neighbour, the County of Ormond. Ranke has been press-ganging people in the cities of Sanctuary, Tainsfield, and Ilsig, and Sanctuary's elite military mercenaries the Third Command have been diverted from their pirate-chasing duties to return to Sanctuary for a new mission. Meanwhile, Count Molan of Ormond is calling upon all Ormond's Knights and men-at-arms to provide their 40 days of annual service in person, on the southern border, from the start of Summer. He is calling in political favours, and requesting that Ormond's allies vigorously support its internationally recognised and rightful independence from Ranke, promising provisioning for as many foreign troops as will take to the field in support.

It is unclear what has brought about this rapid escalation in hostilities between a large Duchy and its peaceful northern neighbour and client-state. However, the highly novel full and prompt payment of taxes from both Sanctuary and Ilsig have seen the Ducal coffers overflowing for the first time in a generation, and the rush of power may be affecting the fifteen year old maiden holding the Throne of Ranke, or possibly one of her advisors is taking advantage of her naïvety. In any case, this should not result so much in war, as in a simple invasion and conquest, Ranke troops outnumbering those of Ormond at least 20 to one. Why Meredithis has chosen to invade its northern neighbour by sea remains to be seen.

Prepaid Summer Holiday for Water Mages

Her Grace Meredithis Alfaris Duchess of Ranke, Protector of Ormond, and Countess of Ilsig and her other Realms and Territories, hereby offers a naval commission to all upstanding water mages of good morals and neutral affiliation, for the period of 1 month, being Meadow, the first month of 809 Kingdom. Applicants for said warrants to assemble at the docks of Ranke city on 26 Blossom or the docks of Sanctuary on 29 Blossom with papers and references. Payment of a thousand pennies is guaranteed to every successful applicant, negotiable contracts for experienced naval officers.

Elvish "Spring Break" held in Lalhaudh

An ancient celebration of "old gods", outdoor pursuits, and Elven fecundity was revived this year by the Lady Anellia and Lord Protector of Lalhaudh province. Despite predictions of resistance from the Elvish crown, due to the origins of the Festival stemming from the teachings of a heretical sect and being based on texts widely understood to be part of a prophecy to do with the fall of the Elven crown, the Queen of Alfheim sent envoys to protect the participants and the interests of the Empire.

The rites were hotly supported by the Wild Elves and the concerns of a noted Elven philosopher that the species may well face a population crisis if the sinking birth rate was not addressed. The specific details of the crisis have been suppressed, but it may have had to do with the demonic curse of apathy only recently lifted from the region by a party of famous Guild adventurers. The tattered remnants of the demon's cults attempted to disrupt the event, but a further group of adventurers uncovered their plans and the locally posted Beltan soldiers scoured them from the woods of Lalhaudh.

The celebration took place over most of Seedtime and into Blossom, with over 50 thousand Elves arriving from all over the provinces, the capital, and a strong representation from the Beltan and Erelheine cousins. Events focused on the selection of a male paragon of the race and champions vied in contests of athletics, hunting, poetry, and physical fortitude. This culminated in the eventual victor receiving the affections of countless admirers and subsequently being drugged, his organs removed and burnt, before his spirit was released into the powerful atmosphere of fertility magics generated by the rites to ensure that future offspring be born blessed.

The winner was a previously unknown individual from the Southern Continent and his whole-hearted embrace of the winners rewards, along with a number of legions of Beltan troops, coupled with his enthusiasm to personally preforming far more of the final acts than anyone deemed possible made him a crowd favourite and deeply respected by his fellow contestants. Despite his grisly sacrifice there has already been talk of of the event being staged on a regular basis, but as many of the those visiting for the Rite appear to have temporarily settled in Lalhaudh province a serious imbalance may result in populations and resources. Political tensions may not settle for some time, as the following comments attest:

• A Mysterious Stranger: "If you'd told me two months ago that my species was dying out and too Krrf-addled to do anything about it, I might've believed you. Twenty minutes in the capital and I was wondering how it'd lasted this long."

• Sister Suspicion-Is-Proof (a delegate from the Western church who were invited to send a group to observe) commented: "It is timely warning to all that a great civilisation has been forced, by the long decline into decadence that they have plumbed since their height, to backslide to these sort of bestial practices in an attempt to preserve themselves. We can only trust in the teachings of the United Church to be the fire in which we temper our spirits against such a fate."

(More comments from those attending welcome. Sabrina, maybe?)

Dwarf Smuggling Retreat Announced

The select committee headed by Lady Loreimai has announced that they will be spending summer in Mais's Drift, a palace in Bordensee famed for it's breathtaking views and tranquil nature. "We will spend the summer gaining our focus and vision in determining what our role in the holistic process is. Ours is a spiritual path and not to be undertaken lightly." said Lady Loreimai.

Dwarf smuggling is an ancient crime in Alfheim and apparently still current. It's origens seem to be with employing dwarven artisans for crafting various artifacts of power and the power plays surrounding the control of such artisans. These days, with not a single written draft of the law extant it has become pressing for modern Alfhiem to revise and redraft this law.

"Oh, it's very important." said Lady Celeblothiel, the comittee's secretary. "This law strikes at the very basis of what it means to be elven. We just cannot afford to have our beautiful culture undermined by the reckless contamination of second rate craftsmenship. We must think of our children, and our children's children. Do we want them growing up using mon-keigh tools, learning their base, gutteral tongues and studying from their clumsy runes?"

Lady Celeblothiel's rather public announcement may of drawn the ire of many, especially the dwearven community in Selkei, the 'lower city' of fabled Eidolon. Jorg Olafson, master-silversmith was particuarly upset, "Second rate craftsmenship is it miss? My bloody silverware is what you're using to eat yer dinner and that's one of me cups yer drink so much of my cousin's wine from. I've been ere all my life, I ain't never been smuggled and I'll like to see yer make me leave yer kryf addled bint."

Others differ. "This issue highlights the growing stagnation and ignorance of the isolationist crown." claimed Lady Tialiel of Adjac. "Dwarf smuggling may of been an issue in a bygone age when artifacts of power were easily made, but this is a different age. Our products and crafters are immensely superior to mon-keigh work. If trade was allowed to be opened and freed up it would be a case of us dominating them. Alfhiem could easily resume it's position of leadership amongst Allusia through trade and commerce, if only these fools be made to see that."

"We're doing what?" said Sub-seeker Keldor of the Beltan. I just got off rotation and was told to report to Loreimai. I thought we would be negotiating the crafting of new weapons for the great conflict. Instead I've been told that I can't come back until I'm properly attired. My seals of duty apparently 'clash'. We sit arround all day mainly listening to the Secretary complain about her sister and what I'm wearing. Do they know what's at stake?"

"Dwarf smuggling? Dwarf smuggling? The capital's gone mad I tell you! We're here up to our armpits in hobbits and they're worried about dwarfs?" Said Geriel of Passau, "And where has everybody gone?"

While tempers have been running high, the current presence of the Army patrolling the streets of Selkei and enforcemnt of martial law has kept most matters from getting out of hand. Nevertheless, the retreat has been announced so that the new law may be deliberated in one of the most beautiful and scenic places in all Alfhiem.

Nagarene campaign victorious

The winter and spring campaign led by Lord Veltyn has been reported to be a success. The armies of Elvandar finished the campaign against the northern rebels and barbarians in early Seedtime. Lord Veltyn has returned to a hero's welcome in Western Alfhiem.

The campaign quickly isolated the winter retreats of the barbarians and moved quickly to destroy each one in turn before news of the attacks could spread. Despite the harsh climate and inhospitable terrain the army was able to do this with very light casualties.

Oddly, most soldiers were vague and unspecific about how they moved so rapidly and managed with such a small supply train. Lord Tanglebones, a senior advisor to Lord Veltyn reported "You wanted exterminated, we delivered exterminated. Every last rebel, bandit and barbarian. Every simpering cultist and foul squirmy thing has been exterminated. Ex-ter-min-ated! What does it matter how we did it, rather that it has been done."

(The editor would like to remind readers that there is no such thing as the Army of Elvandar. The reporter probably confused a host of the Army of Alfhiem which comprised of more western units than normal.)

Special Notices

In Memorial

Akuji von Todd

"Not the sharpest tool in the shed, but probably the best used.
He passed on doing what he loved best and spent the last weeks
of his life surrounded by adoring admirers and his future family.
Where ever she is now, his mother could not have hoped for more."