Colleges: The good the bad and the ugly

You've managed to beg, borrow, loot, inherit or actually earn the entry fee into the adventurers guild.

But which college of magic do you join? Which is the most powerful? Which has the best long term benefits? Can I pull as an adept of this college? Do they have a wet bar? These and other important considerations are detailed below.

Bards

Primarily concerned with haunting harmonies, soaring symphonies, and bawdy ballads, Bards also dabble in linguistic legerdemain, blowing out eardrums, shattering hard metal like it was fine crystal, and demolishing buildings; sometimes even on purpose. Often indistinguishable from common troubadours they are usually ready with retorts, sarcasm, and mockery, and can be scarce prevented from entertaining any adventuring party at the drop of their most probably floppy hat. The bardic college doesn't have its own wet bar, but knows where all of the best ones are in town, and may even know some it hasn't been thrown out of yet.

Binders

Also known as tinker mages, binders work their magic on inanimate objects. Most of their magics alter the properties of objects eg adhesion, transparency, frictionless floor. Those that don't are concerned with making golems, humanoid constructs that can perform simple tasks. Bear in mind that 'crush his skull like an egg' is a simple task. Binders may not be big in the zorching and buffing department but their ability to deal with mechanical devices, traps and other wierd objects is invaluable. The main psychological problem of binders is their tendency to treat golems as people and vice versa. The binder college not only has a wet bar but a steam powered, automated wet bar.

Enchanters and Ensorcellers

Called 'E and Es' this college is the province of weasels, cowards and poltroons. When danger calls, an E+E will not be found wanting. They won't be found, period. This is because the college has a large number of spells and most of them are good. Those that aren't good are absolutly fantastic. A novice starts with sleep, charm, invisibility, locate and telekinesis. Scream 'thief' to you? It does to 90% of all E+Es and they never look back from being sneaks. The special spells are just awesome: Quickness, Enchant Armour, Enhance Enchant, Wizards Eye and Slowness. Any one would tip the balance but E+Es get them all. This results in them being protected by the average guild party with a dedication that puts the Swiss Guard to shame. This, and the tendency for xp being booked about a year in advance towards spells results in weedy, cowardly types who are nevertheless in high demand. The E+E college has no need of a wet bar as everyone will buy them drinks.

Illusionist

See that adventurer cowering behind their membership form from several other irate adventurers? It's probably an illusionist. Illusions are very powerful things being indistinguishable from the real thing. This means you will feel a right tit after you find out you spent 5 minutes climbing a wall that wasn't there. Illusionists love misdirection, confusion and obfuscation so much that they often practice on fellow party members to stay in practice. While this means that they are the undisputed masters in social situations and in misleading the enemy all this practice seldom sits well with their fellow adventurers which is why the guy in the corner is so close to a GBH session.

Mind

One word. Fear, and respect. Two words. Fear and respect, and terror. Three words. Fear, respect, terror and... well you get the idea. Fear mind mages. They may have the smallest spell collection but almost every one is a doozy. They can read your mind and scramble your brain. Or if they're generous they'll control you, up to the point when they make you stab yourself. Respect mind mages. With their ranged healing spell they'll make you harder to kill than a giant, radioactive cockroach. Be terrified of mind mages. They don't stun, are seldom suprised and can bring new meaning to the phrase remorseless, killing machine. They are the reason most people don't spend all day hiding under the bed because there's just no point with mind mages around.

Namers

Repeat after me. "Namers are always right. I will not leave the guild without a Namer. If I leave the guild without one I will not be suprised when I get my sorry ass kicked. Namers are gods". Seriously folks, it's a non-brainer. Namers prevent enemy mages from casting, protect you from magic, remove wards and send elementals, demons and encyclopedia salesmen back to whence they came. It's all good. Sure, they're not much use if there are no mages, wards, unknown magic, demons or elementals around but I'm sure you can rescue that kitten from the tree all by yourself. Namers also now have spiffy new spells to make the job of being an enemy mage an even more hopeless cause. And the best way to ensure that you never leave without a Namer is to be one.

Air

A newcomer to the Guild may think that Fire mages are the most destructive of the colleges. Well, they're wrong. Air mages win hands down in the widespread devastation stakes. Add in the flying magics and you have one of the most powerful colleges around. A better term for air mages would be 'storm mage' since most spells involve inflicting death through thunder and lightning. An air mage spell typically hits lots of people for lots of damage. One of the few dangers of this college is that it is hard for the adept to separate friend from foe. If you're a wild, spontaneous personality with a flair for the dramatic and a casual attitude to collateral damage then the Air college is for you.

Celestial

These are your middle-men of the magic world. Celestial mages do a little bit of everything and do it quite well. Not amazing, but quite well. They are there to help people through life's ups and downs, and over the humps and bumps. Of course the bump they help the most with is the last one. The most favoured profession of celestial mages is that of the assassin. To these mages 'Morals' is a working girl at Hen Wens and 'Ethics' a town in Arabie. Maybe it's the severe dress code and maybe it's not. But if efficiency, versatility and the value of human life (to a farthing) are important to you then look long and hard at the celestial college.

Earth

Are you serious about magic? Do you like long division? Is brown the new black? If you answered yes to these questions then you probably have the requisite character traits to be an earth mage. Sure, you may be a little square and find theological proofs fun but earth magic is about the power granted by immovable objects. And it is a vast, if dull and brown power. Earth magic makes the best magic armour, strength, the strongest walls and the most useful elementals. You'll also be an unchallenged outdoorsman and be able to call on the beasts to do your bidding. Wisdom and lasting power are yours at the earth college.

Fire

Let's face it. You're 16, no-one likes you and your face resembles a pizza from Alphonse's. You have two choices. You can dress in black, write dull poetry and be an annoying little angst merchant. Or you could buy a new wardrobe and channel all that repression into being a fire mage. Just let all that anger and frustration out as searing, cathartic and cleansing flame! And with the fire college you'll never run out of ways of expressing yourself to truly deal to any who made fun of you and earn you respect, fame and fortune. Additionally, with our advice about soap your problems with friday night will become a thing of the past.

Ice

'Do one thing and do it well' is the motto of the ice mages. And what they do is freeze your bits off! Actually, they also have magics to keep your bits toasty warm even in the worst weather but it's not the big selling point. Ice mages are often hardy outdoors barbarians with all the social niceties of a polar bear. Ice mages are tough, mean and the best survivors. If the only reason you're inside is to be at the guild meeting and think social skills are for wimps then I recommend the ice college. The Ice college doesn't have a wet bar, but has no shortage of rocks for its whiskey.

Water

They're completely useless. What have water mages ever brought to a party? Well there's ships. They're good for magic ships, getting there and back safely and avoiding most nautical hazards. Well OK there's ships. And potions. Those potions of strength and healing really make a difference. But that's all. And rainstorms, those mini storms they call up can truly ruin your day. Right, apart from the ships, potions and storms they're a fat lot of use. And keeping everything dry and making sure no-one's thirsty. Well yes there's that. But do they do anything else? Waterbreathing. Well of course there's waterbreathing, everyone knows that. But apart from ships, potions, storms, water-proofing, available water and water-breathing I ask you what do water mages ever do?

Necromancer

Muwahahahahaha! I have completed my course in necromancy and now I shall command my army of slathering undead minions to victory over the forces of the living!!! Um, no. Sorry to burst your bubble but the undead don't slather. They just don't have the glands for drooling. Necromancers often are fastidiously clean for winners of 'most disgusting spell effects' award. Your average necro will have OCD and twitches a bit whenever outside. Of course they are absolutly fantastic at making the living, well, dead and keeping the living dead in their place. If you have a love-hate relationship with dirt and grime then consider becoming your friendly neighbourhood necromancer.

Witch

Years ago, these were known as Black Mages and dabbled in things best not mentioned, pacted to the Powers of Darkness and had three nipples. Nowadays, they say they've put all that behind them and now they're concerned with the cycles of nature, life and death, summer and winter, spring and autumn, jelly and icecream. Really they're not fooling anyone. Do they seriously think a PR job will make up for the fact that they've stolen spells from all the other colleges as well as having a wicked range of curses. They don't even make that much of an effort given that their so called 'wiccan wheel' is better known as the Star of Chaos. If demonic power and secretly being in league with the bad guys is you then look no further. Just don't ask about the nipples.