Troll Metaphysics

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This article expresses the opinion of an individual or group within the game world, and may not be entirely factual, or free of bias.

Since the founding of the Troll Empire, Trollish intellectual development has proceeded rapidly. Trolls have started asking the Universe some big questions, and if they don't get an answer, they are now thinking rather than bashing the Universe with a club. Note that these Trolls are still in an extreme minority.

Why can't I Catch the Moon?

Trolls are very tall, and have long arms. They are good at catching things and eating them. However, no Troll has caught the moon. What is stopping them?

The Moon is occasionally caught and eaten by something big - this feast is called an Eclipse by humans. This obviously occurs at the times that the Moon is closest. By timing the speed with which the Moon is eaten, and the length of time it takes until it is excreted, the relative size of the moon can be calculated. The longest time digestion time observed is around 2½ hours. The consumption and excretion times are typically an hour. Assuming the moon moves through the consumer's body at a constant speed, we can figure that the largest MoonEater is no more than 3½ larger than the Moon.

A MoonEater has never been observed by Trolls or anyone else. Therefore it must be crepuscular (it hides in shadows) - suporting evidence includes that to date Lunar Eclipses have always occured at night. The biggest shadow for MoonEaters to hide in is the shadow of Alusia itself. Humans say that Alusia is 8,000 miles across. This is a very big number, so it is probably true.

The Troll Philosophers observed that the moon is only as big as a penny at troll-arm's length (around half a degree across). To keep a small creature from observation from the moon, it would need to hide behind the penny. If the coin was bigger, the troll's arm could be longer and the creature could still hide. In fact, the coin needs to be on an arm less than 108 coin-widths in length to allow a hiding place from all parts of the moon. In the MoonEater's case, it would need to hide behind Alusia. If the "penny" is 8,000 miles across, then the "arm" needs to be 864,000 miles long. But we know that MoonEaters can be up to 3½ times bigger than the moon, and can still hide. Thus the moon must be around 864,000/3½ = 240,000 miles away. This is an even bigger number, so it must be true. We also know the biggest Moon Eater is no bigger than Alusia, which is 8,000 miles. This makes the moon no more than 2,300 miles across.

So, Trolls can catch the moon if they really wanted to, but a creature 8,000 miles high wants to eat it, and Trolls are too smart to annoy something that big.


Will the Sun Burn Me?

While Trolls are in no way afraid of fire (they are merely enraged instead - which causes a subtly different devastation pattern), they do like to keep an eye on it. Until recently, they had assumed that Ol' Paleface was a big floating rock of light. However, when they learnt some human philosophers have suggested that the Sun is a ball of Fire hurtling through empty space, with its light merely a side-effect of the flames, Trollish Philosophers were mildly perturbed*.

The Troll Philosophers noticed that the sun was only as big as a penny at troll-arm's length. (around half a degree across). Flames this size can be seen from up to a mile away in the day, and twenty miles at night, although the smoke can be seen from much further. They reasoned thus: the Sun is only ever seen during the day; therefore if the Sun is more than a mile away, it can't be Fire. On the other hand, if it's less than a mile away, it should be possible to extinguish, or at least knock it down on top of someone else.

Their idea for measuring the sun's distance was very simple. They knew that the moon shone by reflecting the sun's light. Therefore when the moon appears to be exactly half full, the line from the moon to the sun must be at right angles to the line from the moon to the Troll. By measuring the angle Thwack between the direction of half moon in daylight and the Sun, they should be able to construct a long thin triangle, with its baseline the earth-moon line, having an angle of 90 degrees at one end and Thwack at the other, and so find the ratio of the sun's distance to the moon's distance. The first attempt was by Aristarchus, who estimated the angle Thwack to be 'just a smidgeon', or around 1/5 degrees, less than a right angle. He then calculated that if the moon was 240,000 miles away (see above), the sun was around 75 million miles away. This was a sufficiently big number (over 12, as he was heard to say), that (a) the sun couldn't be Fire, and (b) if it was, it couldn't burn anyone. And if it was fire, where was the smoke?

* Although not afraid.

Why doesn't the Sky Fall on Me?

The sky is always overhead. During the day, it is blue. At night, it is too dark to see properly, except for the stars. It is higher than the clouds, the moon, and the sun. It also goes from horizon to horizon. If the sun is 75 million miles away (see above), then the sky must be really big. The sky is also a perfect half-circle. This means that every direction from the observing Troll must be at least as far away as any other point. This means that the sky is at least 150 million miles wide, and may be a lot bigger. Something this big could not stand up by itself.

However, if it were to fall, it would fall past the Sun when it was 75 million miles away. Rocks can drop at up to 120 miles an hour. If the sky fell this fast, it would still take around 70 years after it knocked the sun out of the air before the first piece of sky hit, and that would give lots of time to dodge it or go inside a cave. Given that it has no chance of hitting a Troll, there is no reason for the sky to fall.

Detractors

Human and Elven philosophers have disputed the accuracy of the Trollish reasoning, although usually not within earshot. They begrudgingly admit that the moon size and distance estimate is accurate within a few percent, but insist that there is no race of MoonEaters, which renders the entire Trollish line of reasoning defunct. They also say that 75 million miles is far too close for the sun, and a reckoning of 90-100 million miles is far more reasonable. Trolls reply that this is a stupidly big number and they are just making stuff up. To date there has been no successful response to this vehemently presented line of argument.

Most Trolls throw rocks at Philosophers, or try to eat them. This active criticism from their peers has led to Troll Philosophers living primarily in safe and peaceful places like Sanctuary.